
The Goodness of a Perfectionist Part
I am a perfectionist. And it isn’t all that bad!
People tend to trust us perfectionists with responsibilities. We are seen as reliable. We are often praised for our attention to detail, our thoroughness, and our ability to produce high-quality work. There’s a quiet reward in being the one who catches what others miss, who plans well, who shows up prepared.
And maybe the strangest thing of all — people rarely correct us for our perfectionism. It doesn’t feel like a problem because it looks so much like virtue. You won’t hear, “Hey, you’re being too responsible.” Or, “You’re trying too hard to be thoughtful.” But underneath the surface, something more complicated is going on.
The Problem is…
Well, there are many challenges that come from being a perfectionist. Not just one! Here are the three biggest, at least for me.
- It can be hard to do some of the most important things.
For example, I ran every essential and non-essential errand possible, potted upward of half a dozen plants, and re-organized a set of shelves instead of writing this blog. Shortly after, I was on the phone with a friend while walking my dog, laughing about how I knew exactly what I was doing: I was procrastinating writing a post on what it is like to make decisions as a perfectionist because I’m a perfectionist.
It’s amazing — I will suddenly find the motivation to fold the laundry (something I’ve avoided for weeks) the moment a task emerges that I really want to get right!
- Options feel like a burden, not freedom
For me, the more options there are the more opportunities there are to make a mistake, hurt the feelings of another, create a rupture, sin, disappoint someone, fail and so on.
Options suddenly feel unfair, not freeing. While we all make thousands of decisions every day — some conscious and intentional and others barely perceptible — it can be crippling for a perfectionist like me who is all too aware of how many choices could go awry.
- Mistakes feel like an end of the world occurrences
Underneath the jokes related to over planning, long deliberations, and double and triple checking, lies the matter of responsibility. Perfectionism is a symptom of growing up with either too much or not enough control — or a combination of both.
The result is the perplexing weight of over-responsibility — a way of adapting to preserve connection, for which we’re made.
With repeated experiences of seeing how volunteering for that task, going the additional mile, and being extra careful gets rewarded, it is easy to conflate our performance with our lovability.
It seems absurd to suggest to someone that they’re too responsible — especially to someone that struggles with perfectionism. How often we have all been encouraged to be responsible, and praised and appreciated for it when we succeed. Yet, like anything in the extreme, it can be too much. The gap between current accomplishments and absolutely zero mistakes, flaws, or failure can be ever-widening for those that suffer with perfectionism. It can become a tizzying pursuit, feeling more and more imperative and increasingly elusive.
The Antidote
At first, it can seem like the antidote to perfectionism is rational thought.
In other words, all I have to do is stop believing that I should be able to get through a single day, or even an hour, without making a mistake. That I should be ok with completing a task even if it isn’t entirely comprehensive and flawless. That I should know that there is no error that cannot be corrected, no evil from which God can’t bring a greater good.
But it doesn’t work. The antidote to perfectionism as a form of self-protection is not rational.
It’s trust.
In the book of Numbers, we read about how the Israelites were dying from the bites of serpents. They asked Moses to intercede on their behalf, and the Lord made a way, but it surely wasn’t how the Israelites imagined their rescue. The Lord instructed Moses to mount a bronze serpent on a pole, and whomever had been bitten by a serpent, by merely looking at it, would live. They had to look at the very thing that was killing them to be saved.
The way forward, to be freed from anxiety-riddled, belabored processes of attaining impossible standards, is not avoiding the decision or waiting until it feels just right or eliminating all risk. It is in trusting the One that made us with the freedom to choose, Who knows us better than we know ourselves, and is not afraid of us.
I believe His heart breaks that, somewhere along the way, parts of us learned that we had to work so hard to get it right to experience interpersonal security, to be at peace.
A Disclaimer About the Road to Healing
For a perfectionist, the road to healing passes through grief.
There is a mourning process that is natural to letting go of the need to be perfect. And participating freely in that grief is a necessary step to becoming more flexible and free.
And here’s the good news.
Grief will always give way to joy, it will help us recalibrate. It will feel new and frightening and exhilarating to step into the unknown and make a choice without absolute certainty.
And it will lead to joy because it’s not something we need to do alone. Not only will Our Lord and Lady be with us and loving us each step of the way, but He will undoubtedly use people in our lives as well — those that will reflect the Father’s delight in His children’s stumbling steps when first learning to walk, unafraid of the falls and detours along the way.
Being human means we have been equipped with an emotional communication system, so we can feel all the feelings that arise in a safe and healthy way, riding the waves of each of them until the waters have stilled. So, when, not if, we fall, we can be confident that there will always be a way forward, and God is in the business of making broken things beautiful.For all you fellow perfectionists out there, I hope and pray we can all get to a place where we can believe that even if our worst case scenario becomes a reality, we still have a Father in heaven who loves us. And there is nothing we can do about it.
Thank you for this. I am a perfectionist and I’m tired. Grieving. I hope I shall allow myself to grieve this. I believe you that it is necessary to grieve. I never seem to be able to allow myself to pass through the several steps to reach the healing. I hope your excellent essay assists me now
Tell me a bit more about trusting the One who gave us the right to chose?
This is a beautiful and helpful reflection on perfectionism.
This was exactly what I needed to read today. Thank you for writing it.
Wow, this is “perfect” (sorry for that ironic note)! Thank you Stephanie for this blog – it also fits me “perfectly”. And I am ready to start the healing on this one! God bless you! (Another note: I was one of the people privileged to audit Dr. Greg’s CPMAP program, so I’ve seen and heard you before, and all of the content from Dr. Greg and the team has been life-changing, even without the perfect way of having CP Mentoring.) I’m on my 4th round of the virtual Catholic Mindfulness 8-week retreat after moving across the country with my husband to support and love our son and his family and new baby. I’m retired but still working and making decisions, so this insight from you will be my aid in healing my perfectionism. Please know that I pray for CP daily!
Stephanie, thank you so much. Super helpful and well done.
Thank you for writing this! I really enjoyed reading it and found it so insightful. I loved the example from Numbers about looking at the bronze serpent and receiving healing from the Lord. How beautiful that the antidote to perfectionism, and its tendencies, is trust! Thank you for this very helpful article. May the Sacred heart of Jesus heal us with his perfect love!
As a perfectionist myself, this hits home. I am not an active perfectionist anymore, and haven’t been for a while, but some habits take a long time to die. This puts things into perspective. Thank you and God Bless!
Thank you for writing this Stephanie. It is a gift to be seen by someone who is also on the healing journey. It is so so true that the antidote to perfectionism is trust. I’m always “surprised” when the Lord invites me to a deeper trust in Him, even after years on the journey. And you named the necessity of grief aiding in the process. That is so good and sheds a light in my own life to allow it. God Bless you!
So relatable! Thanks for sharing your experience and insights.