One of the reasons spiritual narcissism is so difficult to see is because it is so close to the truth.
It borrows the language of Christianity. It borrows the posture of sacrifice. It borrows the call to die to self, to serve others, to pick up your cross and follow Christ.
And that’s exactly why it’s so confusing.
Christ really does call us to all of those things. But we have to remember something essential: in everything Christ calls us to, He is calling us to Himself, and He is calling us to these actions out of freedom and self-determination, not coercion, not compulsion, and not unconscious or subconscious attempts to work out unresolved wounds.
So how do you actually begin to spot spiritual narcissism, especially when it shows up in parents, spouses, ministry, or spiritual direction?
Let’s walk through it in four steps.
Step One: Look at Whether Faith Is Being Used for Control
One of the clearest signs of spiritual narcissism is when faith is used for control.
You start to notice that love, what should be unconditional, has actually become conditional, and that conditionality is justified through piety or spiritual practice.
Approval becomes tied to compliance. Affection is given or withdrawn and framed as discipline. “This is what’s good for you.”
Sometimes these parents, spouses, or leaders appear as public saints. But behind closed doors, it’s not the same story.
Your emotions may be dismissed spiritually. You’re told to offer it up. You’re reminded of commandments, obedience, or sacrifice.
And all of that language is used to silence legitimate hurt and legitimate wounds and avoiding attunement to your legitimate needs.
Step Two: Notice If Spiritual Language Bypasses Real Problems
Another major indicator is when spiritual language consistently replaces honest engagement with reality.
You may hear yourself thinking:
- I shouldn’t judge.
- I should stop complaining.
- I should be more grateful.
- I should just focus on my prayers.
- I need to discern me because my gut is uncomfortable.
All of these sound holy. And in the right context, they can be.
But very often, they become spiritual ways of bypassing the real problem and the real relational dynamics that have emerged. Being honest and truthful is the most charitable thing you can do for somebody you love. Being honest and truthful is a work of mercy. So when you feel like you can’t tell the truth, when you feel steamrolled, manipulated, or gaslighted, AND you can’t say anything about it, then spiritual narcissism might be at play.
Step Three: Pay Attention to Compulsion Versus Freedom
This is a crucial distinction.
If you are compulsively serving others, it is not the same thing as serving out of freedom.
From the outside, compulsive service can look incredibly virtuous. It can look like generosity, sacrifice, even holiness. But internally, it may be driven by fear, anxiety, or the need to earn love.
Christ does not call us into compulsions. He calls us into freedom. Freedom is the difference between love and self-erasure. And when freedom is missing, even very good actions can become distorted.
Step Four: Push Back and See What Happens
One of the simplest and most revealing ways to discern whether spiritual narcissism is present is to push back.
Not with an argument. Not with a perfectly formed explanation. Just something simple and honest: “I don’t know… something doesn’t feel right.”
What matters most in that moment is not the content of what you say. It’s how the other person responds.
- Do they seem offended?
- Do they pull away?
- Do they suddenly have less time for you?
- Do they wrap the conversation up quickly?
Or…
- Do they stay present?
- Do they attune to your discomfort?
- Do they make room for your freedom?
The answer tells you a lot about who you re working with.
Why Navigating This Alone Is So Hard
These dynamics are deeply nuanced. They are emotionally charged. And they are often tied to wounds that formed long before you had language for them.
That’s why it’s so difficult to sort out:
- When to speak
- When to step back
- What belongs to you
- What does not
This is also why having someone from the outside, someone trained to understand both the psychological and spiritual dimensions of these patterns, can be so important.
Mentorship creates a space where you can:
- Identify wounds without shame
- Learn how to set boundaries without guilt
- Discern freedom from compulsion
- Speak truth without losing yourself
If you’re navigating these questions and finding yourself stuck, confused, or exhausted, you don’t have to do it alone. Sometimes the most courageous step toward freedom is simply allowing someone to walk with you as you learn how to live it.