For those on the outside, witnessing the choices and behavior of someone with a Borderline defense can feel utterly confusing.
Why do they “blow up” over a simple question? Why do they say they love me one day, then threaten to leave the next? Their reactions seem so unpredictable…
Well, that’s because they are!
But, before we dismiss the borderline defense as something that is too much to understand or relate to, know this: the borderline defenses give insight into what it truly means to be human!
Their reactions may be stronger than yours. Their emotions may shift more quickly than yours. But, instead of dismissing borderline defenses as irrational or incomprehensible, let’s approach it with curiosity. Because when we do, there are three (at least) truths that emerge to teach us how to make the most of the messiness of life.
1. Hard Times Can Make You Forget Who You Are
What happens to you when you experience a season of stress? It’s disorienting, right? Decisions are difficult to make, virtuous actions are harder to maintain, and your emotions can often fluctuate from day to day or even moment to moment.
This is part of the “normal life” for those with borderline defenses. Through immense instability and trauma, they lost (or perhaps never developed) a coherent sense of themselves. Instead, their identity was created around the only thing they could recognize in themselves: their emotions.
And because their emotions inevitably change, so do their perceptions of themselves and how they relate to others. One moment they know themselves to be the happy, bubbly person in the office. The next, they are the person who can’t even get out of bed in the morning. This chaos and instability begins to shift something inside: Life is no longer something I control but something that controls me. And they begin to live at the mercy of their feelings, without any stable sense of self apart from their emotions.
Ultimately, this reveals something true about all of us: when we are flooded with emotions, things we know to be true suddenly feel uncertain at best. And if the experience is intense enough, it can feel like our entire sense of self is on shaky ground.
The best way to become grounded and restore a sense of peace is to set our identity upon the unchangeable: God. He alone can withstand the test of time and is a stable, trustworthy foundation. All else will fall short in comparison.
2. People Are Messy, and So Is Life
As human beings, we prefer clean narratives and neatly written labels. But real life often doesn’t work that way. Our past experiences are usually complicated and messy. So it follows that we would likely find some messiness in ourselves and in those we love.
Take the following example. A man has been undergoing a lot of stress at work the past few months. His wife has noticed the stress seeping into their marriage. He’s more irritable. Less patient with the kids. And less involved around the house.
One night, she finds herself overwhelmed and begins to relay to him the list of all the chores and errands needing to be done. Instead of reassuring her, something in him snaps: “I’ve been bossed around all day, rushing to finish a million different tasks thrown onto my plate. Just to come home to more demands. Thanks for that.”
The wife is immediately caught off guard. She knows her husband is a good, respectful partner. But lately his behavior has made her feel otherwise. His response brings her to tears. How could her husband, who was her place of safety, make her feel so alone?
Later that night, after calming down, the man apologizes to his wife and he repairs the rupture.
This kind of thing happens in every relationship. Even those who love us the most or make us feel the safest can also let us down. They’re not perfect. But they also aren’t wholly evil for that either. Instead, we need to hold two realities together at the same time, they love me and they will hurt me.
Those with Borderline struggle to hold two contradictory experiences or emotions like this at the same time. Instead, their mind splits. The husband has to be either entirely good or entirely bad. He can’t be both. Neither can an experience. It’s either joyful or devastating. There is no room for both.
But reality is rarely that simple. Our character and our stories cannot be reduced to one descriptor. Someone or something can bring us contradictory feelings (like joy and sorrow or excitement and fear). And we shouldn’t ignore one feeling or experience because it seems to oppose another. Instead, we can make space for them both, even when we can’t fully understand them. By doing so, we can perceive others and circumstances most authentically, without dismissing what feels uncomfortable or opposing.
3. Healing Takes Time and Consistency
Most wounds are not formed overnight. They develop slowly through repeated experiences of neglect, inconsistency, and maybe even abuse. They may have been small instances, but they were significant.
Those with borderline patterns, on the other hand, often have wounds that were formed from life-changing events and significant trauma. Due to this, anyone with borderline or who has been in relationship with them knows that their wounds cannot be healed overnight. It does not happen through a single conversation or through willpower alone. Or in weeks or even months. Instead, it takes consistent, stable support and love for them to find healing.
Through a love that is unidirectional (one that is one way and does not expect anything in return), trustworthy, and reliable, this individual begins to heal the borderline defenses that were formed to protect themselves. What the person with Borderline often lacks is stability. And stability cannot be formed in one or two therapy sessions, but in years of consistent love and support.
And this is not just true of those with borderline patterns, but in anyone with wounds. When we learned from a young age that, for example, “My thoughts and feelings must not matter because mom never listens when I’m upset,” that lie is not unlearned through one instance of someone finally listening. Instead, it’s unlearned through a stable presence that continues to listen, time and time again, regardless of the topic or season of life you’re in.
Most of us were wounded in relationship by someone we were supposed to trust and depend on. And this woundedness can only be undone by a trustworthy, dependable relationship found in therapy, mentorship, spiritual direction, or the like.
Those with borderline make it clear: healing is not a one-time event. It is a journey. And the more we accept that, the more patient we become with ourselves and others in their woundedness.
Learning from Our Wounds
It’s not easy to live with borderline patterns, or to be in close relationship with someone who does.
If you are looking for someone to accompany you in your healing journey, we are here for you. Reach out to a team member today to learn more about our Mentorship program.