It’s become commonplace in a romantic relationship for one person to say to the other, “I don’t know what I’d do without you!”
On one hand, it’s really nice to know you’re making a difference in someone’s life. Especially someone you deeply care about. But when we explore that statement on a deeper level, it’s worth asking, “How much do I really believe this?”
For example, what happens to your anxiety levels at the thought of no longer being together? Are you paralyzed at the thought of losing him? Recently, I was working with a Mentee who said, “If God told me I couldn’t be with him any longer, I might say, ‘No’.”
It’s good and healthy to want to be with someone you love. But there is a line where that person stops being a lover and starts acting as a substitute for God. And that line can be difficult to decipher. So, here are three signs you may be placing your partner above God.
Sign One: You’re More Afraid of Losing Him Than Displeasing God
Do you find yourself compromising your faith or moral boundaries for your partner? Maybe you neglect prayer or skip Mass when you’re with them out of embarrassment or laziness. Or perhaps you’ve loosened your sexual boundaries, allowing lines to be crossed that you once swore you never would.
If you’ve found yourself here, it’s worth asking honestly: Who do I care more about pleasing—my partner, or God? If you are willing to disobey God’s laws to please your partner, the answer becomes clear.
It’s okay to accommodate and compromise to maintain a relationship. If you’re not a fan of Thai food but your significant other loves it, it’s natural to set aside your preference and go to a Thai restaurant out of love for them. BUT, when accommodating and compromising leads to a separation from God and when you start to feel yourself justifying things you know are bad for your soul, it’s time to take a step back and enlist the help of someone you trust.
Sign Two: He’s Become the Source of Your Worth
Do you rely on your partner to feel lovable and worthy? This might look like needing constant reassurance that they still love you. It may show up as overreacting to small mistakes (beating yourself up and apologizing profusely), or feeling your peace and sense of worth disappear when you upset them. You may constantly fear losing them and believe that without them, you’d be nothing. You might believe no one else could ever want you.
I want to reassure you it is not your fault that you feel this way. These wounds often run deep, taking root at a very young age. You did not choose them.
But you are not defined by your wounds. You may not be able to change how you were failed or hurt, but you can change how you respond going forward.
In God, we find redemption and affirmation of our existence…simply because we exist. When your identity is rooted in your Creator, not in any creature, no matter how good they are, then you are free to say ‘Yes’ to what is good for you and ‘No’ to what isn’t. If you don’t feel loved apart from your partner, you are missing the infinite love God already has for you. And no human love will ever fully satisfy the thirst in your heart for Him.
Sign Three: You See Him as Your “Savior”
You may find yourself thinking that your partner is the reason your life has any meaning or purpose. They saved you from loneliness, sadness, or darkness. They’ve made your life unrecognizably better. If it weren’t for them, you would be miserable, hopeless, with nothing to make of yourself.
While it’s beautiful to have your life enhanced by a partner (they should make your life better!), they should not be the primary source of your happiness or purpose. Only God can truly save us from the darkness within and offer lasting peace.
When you look to your partner to “save” you, you will inevitably be disappointed. They will fail you. They will make mistakes. And when they do, your world will feel like it’s collapsing because you built it on them.
So, What Should You Do?
If you resonate with any of these signs, take courage. There is hope that this pattern can end.
But, awareness is the first step towards healing. Until you know why you are inclined to love in this way, it is incredibly difficult to start a new pattern. Instead, if you do make a change, you will likely try to overcorrect on your own through emotional hardening. You may start telling yourself “I don’t need anyone” as a way to protect your heart.
True awareness begins by discovering the origin of this pattern — unpacking how a part of you learned to rely on another person (almost as if they were God) to stay connected to someone important in your life — and recognizing that we are both wounded AND healed within relationships.
Healing is possible for you. You cannot change the past, but you can choose how you move forward. And we can help. Growth often requires another person to help us learn how to rely on God alone to affirm our existence.
God made us for communion, but He alone is the foundation.
If you’re seeking professional support to untangle dependency, rebuild a stable identity, and learn what healthy love looks like, we’d be honored to walk with you. Reach out – we’re here to help.