Finding the line between a free gift of self and giving to regulate a deep inner anxiety.
From the beginning of our spiritual formation, we’re told to follow Jesus. To imitate Him. To do what He does. We’re supposed to pick up our cross and follow after Him. And He went all the way to death, so we need to go that far too, right?
The short answer is yes, but not in the way we often think.
Jesus’ death was a free gift offered out of love for you and me. He wasn’t compelled or forced to do it. And He didn’t need to do it. Often, in our modern context, we forget that the interior disposition of the giver significantly impacts the gift.
For some people, self-sacrifice isn’t a free gift. It’s a compulsion. A need. Something to calm the inner anxiety of not feeling enough. So they give and give and give, even to their own detriment. Even to the point of fading away. Clinically, we don’t call this kind of giving love. We call it dependency.
Dependency isn’t an abstract term. It shows up in real relationships. It has relevance in marriages, families, friendships, ministries, and workplaces, where someone is constantly giving, constantly sacrificing, constantly showing up, and slowly disappearing inside.
Like most patterns, dependency has a good, a bad, and an ugly side. There is a way to be a self-gift as an expression of freedom and love. Just like there is a way to constantly sacrifice as a way to regulate anxiety, preserve attachment, and hold a fragile sense of self together.
And it causes all kinds of confusion, because it looks like holiness but it isn’t, begging the question: what does healthy self-sacrifice look like from the inside?
Together, let’s explore the answer.
A Preface to the Answer: We Are Made to Need
We need to say this clearly from the start: we are dependent by design.
At the deepest level of our being, we are contingent. If God were not sustaining us as Creator and Prime Mover, we would cease to exist. Recognizing that kind of dependency is not pathological, it’s love, it’s worship, and it’s grounding.
God did not create us as isolated beings. We are made in the image of a Trinity: a communion of persons, a mutual exchange of gift. Giving and receiving is built into us. We need relationship the way we need air. We need God and we need one another. That is not a flaw. That is how we are made.
But, here’s where things begin to change.
When giving flows out of a secure base, an identity rooted in the love of God, it’s life-giving. But when giving becomes the source of identity, when it’s asked to stabilize the self…something fundamental shifts.
At that point, giving is no longer primarily about willing the good of the other. It becomes a way to regulate anxiety.
The gift still looks like sacrifice. It still uses the language of devotion, loyalty, patience, and service. But internally, it’s doing a different job.
It’s trying to fill an emptiness. It’s trying to quiet a fear of abandonment. It’s trying to secure a sense of value, meaning, or existence.
This is when dependency becomes an organizing principle of identity.
Why It’s So Confusing
Dependency is incredibly difficult to recognize because it often looks like Christian charity.
Outwardly, the behaviors can be identical:
- Giving more
- Sacrificing more
- Staying longer
- Forgiving again
- Enduring quietly
But the interior experience tells the truth.
When sacrifice is driven by dependency, the emotional pattern becomes predictable:
- Anxiety does not decrease
- Resentment begins to grow
- Exhaustion deepens over time
That’s a critical sign something is off. Here’s the distinction that matters:
When sacrifice increases inner freedom, it is love.
When sacrifice reduces inner freedom, it is dependency.
Christian self-gift presupposes a stable identity, a person who is grounded, differentiated, and free. The gift is freely chosen and oriented toward the objective good of the other, not merely preserving attachment or reducing fear.
Dependency-driven giving is compelled. It is motivated by fear of loss. It is oriented toward keeping the relationship intact. And if the gift of self becomes the glue holding the relationship together, it is no longer a gift.
The Spiritual Trap
This is where spiritual language becomes dangerous.
Humility becomes self-erasure. “Decreasing” becomes disappearing. Patience becomes endurance of what is destroying the self. But humility does not mean being unimportant. And intimacy does not require a loss of self.
Only God can complete us. When another person is asked—implicitly or explicitly—to fill the void that only God can fill, sacrifice turns inward. It stops being love and becomes survival.
So this is where discernment becomes essential.
The outward behavior alone will not tell you the difference. Two people can do the same thing—stay, forgive, give, endure—and one of them is acting in freedom, while the other is slowly losing themselves.
Christian self-gift presupposes a free identity. It presupposes a differentiated, autonomous person who is able to choose sacrifice freely, in truth, and for the objective good of the other. That kind of giving deepens communion.
Dependency-driven giving does something else. It is compelled by fear. It is oriented toward preserving attachment. It becomes a substitute for a stable sense of identity. And over time, it always produces the same fruits: anxiety that doesn’t go away, resentment that builds, exhaustion that deepens.
That’s not holiness. That’s a signal something foundational is missing. Humility does not mean being unimportant. And intimacy does not require a loss of self.
Only God can complete us. When that foundation is in place, sacrifice becomes free again. Giving becomes gift again. Love becomes something that expresses identity instead of trying to create it.
And that’s the line that matters. When sacrifice expresses freedom, it is love. When sacrifice reduces freedom, it is dependency.
And seeing that difference can change everything.
If this article opened something within you, please don’t hesitate to reach out to our team to schedule a free Mentorship consultation to see how daily accompaniment can help you move from anxiety regulation to a free gift of self.