Oof. That question.
No one really wants to ask it—and certainly no one wants to answer it. But if we’re honest? Most of us are probably somewhere on the yes spectrum.
And listen—no judgment if that’s you. Because it’s me, too.
I have ADHD.
I didn’t stand a chance.
I have that dopamine-seeking addiction built into my hardware.
I’m not even going to admit how many hours my screen time report used to show. Let’s just say… it was a lot. Way too much.
One night, after the kids were in bed, I sat down at the table to write. Determined to focus, I turned my phone off completely. Within seconds—seconds—I reached for it and double-tapped the screen. Nothing. Black. I double-tapped again before it even registered… oh yeah. I just turned it off.
I caught myself doing it several more times that night. It was bizarre. And honestly? A little disturbing.
It reminded me of those psychology experiments with rats pressing a lever for a drug hit. They’d keep pressing it—even if nothing came out. Even if they got shocked for doing it.
I’m half expecting Apple to roll out a feature like that next…
So what’s going on in our brains?
Why is it so hard to stop?
And if I do have a problem… how would I know?
The Brain on Phones
Phones hit the brain’s reward center in a perfect storm of novelty, dopamine, and instant gratification. Every ping, like, scroll, or notification is a tiny dopamine release. Over time, your brain gets hooked on chasing that next hit.
If you’ve ever picked up your phone without thinking, opened an app you didn’t mean to, or checked the same feed again and again…
That’s not just a bad habit. That’s your brain following a well-worn dopamine loop.
And if you’ve felt more irritable, distracted, anxious—or had a harder time focusing since your phone use increased?
That’s not in your head. That’s in your brain chemistry.
How Much Is Too Much?
Studies show the average American spends 4–7 hours a day on their phone.
Clears throat… raises hand
But it’s not just about hours. It’s about impact.
- Are you reaching for your phone reflexively?
- Is it hard to focus on people or tasks without checking it?
- Do you feel anxious when you can’t have it nearby?
- Have your attention span, mood, or sleep taken a hit?
If you said yes to any of these… you’re not alone.
And it doesn’t mean you’re hopelessly addicted.
But it might mean your brain needs a reset.
We’re Wired for Connection — And That’s Why This Hooks Us
At the heart of it, we’re made for connection.
The human person isn’t designed for isolation. We’re created in the image of a God who is communion—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Relationship isn’t just something we enjoy; it’s written into our very nature.
That’s why so much of our phone use is relational. Or at least, it feels that way.
We crave the “ping” of a text, the quick dopamine hit of a like or comment, the rush of instant feedback.
It’s why apps like Instagram (emphasis on the Insta) and X (formerly Twitter—where everything is instant access to opinions, news, and attention) hook us in. We get a taste of connection… and our brain rewards us.
It feels like we’re being seen. Like we belong.
Or maybe… we just like to look without engaging.
It feels good to know. Maybe even safe to know.
To be on the outside but still in the loop.
And that feeling is real—because the need for connection is real.
But here’s the catch: social media offers only a shadow of authentic relationship.
We’re incarnational beings.
God didn’t save us from a distance—He entered into our world, took on flesh, and looked His friends in the eye. Jesus didn’t send messages from heaven. He came close, touched the sick, sat at the table, wept with His friends, and gave Himself completely.
Real relationship always calls us into presence.
That’s why a digital scroll can never replace real connection. Our hearts are wired for incarnational love—love that sees, knows, and is given in person.
Social media gives us the illusion of intimacy without the cost of presence.
And deep down, we know it’s not enough.
It makes perfect sense why we reach for it again and again—
And it makes perfect sense why it never really satisfies.
So… What Can We Do?
We can retrain our brains. It’s possible.
But it takes intentional practice—like any other habit.
I’m still in the thick of this myself. But here are a few things I know can actually help:
- Phone-free zones. Making certain places—like the dinner table or bedroom—off-limits for phones can protect connection.
- Screen limits. Setting app timers or screen limits creates a natural pause point. (Even if I hit “ignore” sometimes, it still breaks the cycle.)
- Downtime with intention. Choosing something off-screen when I want to relax—like reading, walking, or even just sitting in silence—helps my brain unwind differently.
- Accountability. Telling someone I’m working on this gives me a sense of ownership (and reminds me I’m not alone).
- Self-compassion. I’m learning that slipping up doesn’t mean giving up. It just means I’m human.
So… Where Do We Go From Here?
If this hit a nerve, you’re not alone.
You’re human. You’re wired for connection, presence, and love.
So maybe the invitation isn’t to quit your phone cold turkey or shame yourself into better habits.
Maybe it’s just to pause… and notice.
Notice when you’re reaching for your phone instead of a person.
Notice when you’re scrolling instead of being present.
Notice what your heart is actually craving.
And then—
Put the phone down.
Look someone in the eye.
Sit in silence with Jesus.
Reach for real connection, even if it’s awkward, costly, or slow.
Because your heart was made for communion—
And nothing less will ever satisfy.