Loving Your Spouse’s IFS Parts Like Your Own: The Key to a Thriving Marriage

When we start doing the inner work of healing and integration, we quickly come face to face with our “parts.” These parts—fearful, angry, defensive, shameful—can feel like little sub-personalities living inside of us, each trying to protect or serve us in some way. Internal Family Systems (IFS) calls us to approach these parts with what are known as the “8 Cs”: calm, curiosity, clarity, compassion, confidence, courage, creativity, and connectedness. 

Learning how to treat our own parts with the 8 Cs is hard enough. We spend months working on this with our clients in mentorship. Now, imagine this: what if your spouse’s parts are actually… yours also?

This isn’t just some cute metaphor. In the Sacrament of Matrimony, we become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). St. Paul expands on this in his letter to the Ephesians: “He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it” (Eph 5:28-29). This means that marriage isn’t just about loving your spouse in the same way you love yourself—it’s about treating their internal world with the same reverence, patience, and compassion that you (hopefully!) are learning to offer your own.

From Inner Work to Interpersonal Grace

In my work with Catholic couples preparing for marriage—or those navigating the winding road of years already shared—I find myself introducing this concept: what if we treated our spouse’s wounded parts as we would our own fearful or protective parts? What if, when our spouse gets reactive, withdrawn, critical, or anxious, we paused and recognized that what’s flaring up in them is a part, not the whole person?

This is where the 8 Cs come in.

Instead of reacting to their reaction, we respond with curiosity—“What’s going on underneath this?” We bring compassion—“This part of them must be trying to protect something vulnerable.” We draw on courage—“I don’t have to defend myself. I can stay present.” And we grow in connectedness—“We’re in this together. This is not you vs. me. This is us vs. the problem.”

Marriage as a Healing Space

We all bring our unhealed parts into marriage. The legacy burdens from childhood, the attachment wounds from past relationships, the parts of us shaped by trauma or sin. But marriage, especially when lived as a sacramental vocation, can become a profoundly healing space. And not because we’re each perfect—but because we’re each committed to loving through the imperfection.

When you begin to love your spouse’s anxious part, or angry part, or critical part, the way you would a scared child, or the scared child part inside of you—something shifts. You become less defensive. Less easily triggered. Less focused on who’s right and more focused on what’s needed.

This is not about being a doormat. Compassion isn’t passivity. It’s active love. It might mean setting boundaries. It might mean gently naming patterns that aren’t healthy. But all of this comes from a place of clarity and calm, not chaos.

The Saintly Model of Integration and Love

St. Thérèse of Lisieux, in her Little Way, teaches us that great holiness can be found in small, daily acts of love. She once wrote, “Charity consists in bearing all our neighbor’s defects—not being surprised at their weakness, but edified at their smallest virtues.” What if we applied this not just to our neighbor but to our spouse’s inner world?

Imagine approaching your spouse’s outburst with curiosity instead of judgment. Imagine recognizing that their snappy response isn’t about you but about a burdened part of them. What if your gentle response became a mirror that helped them meet that part with more love?

Becoming One Flesh… and One Soul

In IFS language, the goal is to become “Self-led”—where the core of you, your God-given center, leads the system of your parts. In Catholic language, it’s living in grace. When two people in marriage are each doing this internal work and are also extending that same loving gaze to the other’s parts, you’re not just building a good relationship—you’re building a holy one.

This is where psychology and theology dance together beautifully. The 8 Cs aren’t just therapeutic tools—they are dispositions of Christ Himself. In fact when I teach IFS in our CPMAP Certification, I add a few extra Cs to the model, including being “Christ-Centered.” When we act from these virtues, we allow Christ to love through us. And in the mystery of marriage, where your spouse truly becomes “your own body,” loving them in their woundedness becomes an act of self-love, sanctifying both of you in the process.

A Final Thought

Loving your spouse’s parts—especially the messy ones—isn’t always easy. But neither is loving your own parts. The good news is, grace is real. And with every act of compassion toward your spouse’s inner world, you’re not just building intimacy. You’re building the Kingdom. Remember though that you can’t give what you don’t have–so if you need to work on self-compassion, start there.

Next time you find yourself frustrated, try asking: “What part of my spouse is showing up right now—and how can I meet it with calm, curiosity, and compassion?”

You might just find that what you’re healing is bigger than a moment. You’re healing the marriage itself.