Did You Know There Are Two Types Of Narcissism? Why Narcissism Sometimes Sneaks Up On Us.

When you hear the word “narcissism,” what’s the first thing that comes to mind? For many people, it’s an image of someone loud, arrogant, and aggressively self-centered—someone who needs constant admiration and feels entitled to special treatment. Yes, that is one kind of narcissism. But did you know there’s another side to narcissism, one that’s quieter, harder to spot, and can even feel sympathetic? Understanding this can be key to deeper self-awareness and healing.

Psychologists now recognize two distinct types of narcissism: grandiose (or overt) narcissism and vulnerable (or covert) narcissism.

Grandiose narcissism is the one most of us readily recognize. It’s the outwardly arrogant person, brimming with confidence (often excessively so), openly dismissive of others’ opinions, and quick to react aggressively if their ego is threatened.

But vulnerable narcissism, also known as covert narcissism, is more subtle—and in many ways more complex. It’s characterized by deep sensitivity, feelings of inadequacy, hypersensitivity to criticism, and an underlying sense of shame. Vulnerable narcissists might not outwardly seek admiration; instead, they might withdraw, sulk, or react with passive-aggressiveness when they feel misunderstood or slighted. At their core, both types of narcissism share something important: they attempt to cope with deep-seated insecurity and unmet emotional needs.

So why does narcissism sometimes sneak up on us, even if we don’t identify as narcissistic people?

At CatholicPsych, we often talk about how every person carries wounds from our past—wounds that create protective “parts” within us. These parts try to shield us from being hurt again. When someone experiences early neglect, rejection, criticism, or inconsistent emotional validation, their protective parts might adopt narcissistic patterns—either becoming aggressively self-promoting (grandiose narcissism) or quietly resentful and withdrawn (vulnerable narcissism).

If you’ve noticed within yourself moments of intense sensitivity, defensiveness, or a persistent fear of rejection, you might recognize this vulnerable part. That’s okay. These parts aren’t your core identity—they’re wounded aspects of you, formed in response to pain. The path to freedom and healing begins when we meet these parts with curiosity and compassion rather than judgment.

It’s also helpful to recognize that sometimes we are drawn into other people’s pain. You might notice someone in your life is really sensitive to criticism, even perceiving criticism when it’s not there. Of course this is a complex relational dynamic – miscommunication happens all the time. But some people seem to be* oriented* towards misperceiving criticism. This can create a relational dynamic in which you are “walking on eggshells” – sometimes without even realizing it. Someone with vulnerable narcissistic parts doesn’t spend their time yelling and attacking others, but instead maintain a more passive-aggressive stance of defensiveness. This can also lead to gaslighting.  

In Internal Family Systems (IFS)—a psychological framework beautifully compatible with our Catholic anthropology—we gently approach these wounded parts, acknowledging their pain and validating the real emotional needs beneath their protective strategies.

For example, imagine saying to yourself:

“I see you, the part of me that feels deeply wounded when criticized. I know you’re trying to protect me by withdrawing or feeling resentful. I appreciate your intention, but I’m here now, and together, we can heal the wounds that caused this pain.”

By cultivating compassion and understanding toward ourselves, we integrate our wounded parts into a healthier, more unified self. This is also a disposition we can learn to adopt towards others. This healing is not merely psychological—it’s profoundly spiritual. It aligns with authentic humility, vulnerability, and healing through genuine relationships and divine love.

If you recognize vulnerable narcissistic traits within yourself or others, approach this awareness not with fear or shame, but with hopeful curiosity. Each recognition is an invitation from God toward deeper integration, healing, and freedom. With compassion and patience, narcissism doesn’t have to sneak up on us—it can instead become a signpost pointing toward deeper intimacy, wholeness, and peace.