The story goes that I first asked Jesus into my heart around three or four years old, after punching my friend Katie. Apparently, I felt remorseful; my mom asked me if I wanted to ask Jesus to forgive me, and I agreed.
I’m sure that wasn’t the first I heard about forgiveness, and it certainly wasn’t the last—both at home and in the Protestant churches in which I grew up. I heard profound stories about those who had been in concentration camps during WWII, forgiving those who imprisoned them. And during college, I was given the chance to travel to Rwanda, where I learned of the unthinkable reconciliation occurring between neighbors who had killed neighbors during the 1994 genocide. The strong and courageous people of Rwanda taught me the realities of the human experience of forgiveness, which I found to be both sobering and relieving.
But, this isn’t a blog on forgiveness, rather one on spiritual bypassing. Forgiveness is one of the contexts in which Christians often spiritually bypass—bypass their own human psychological experiences and hide behind the spiritual. And, it’s completely understandable.
However, as with all of our defense mechanisms, there is a cost to it.
Why Defense Mechanisms Aren’t the Enemy
Thank God He gave us the ability to find ways to defend ourselves. None of us grew up in perfect families; we’ve been hurt, and we’ve found ways to adapt and protect ourselves so that we can maintain connection with those most important to us. Maybe we learned to utilize humor to diffuse conflict, to be as perfect as possible to avoid punishment, or to criticize ourselves before someone else does. The beauty of our ability to adapt really is remarkable.
The invitation is to keep adapting, though. When we continue to use defense mechanisms when we’re not actually in need of protection, the very thing that once kept us safe becomes the obstacle that prevents us from receiving and giving love.
Of course, because we’re made for love, we typically want to avoid disconnection—especially with the most significant people in our lives, such as our parents. So, we rush through resolving conflicts, even within ourselves, because the discomfort can be so great.
Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Emotional Healing
Since we all make mistakes, it’s a great gift that we can forgive and be forgiven. I can’t think of any Christians I’ve met who objectively disagree with the necessity of repair processes. I have met many who have never learned what forgiveness actually is, and is not. Unfortunately, so many of us haven’t learned that forgiving does not mean we can’t or shouldn’t work through the hurt and anger that comes with an offense.
The objectivity that comes with how and who we should extend forgiveness is beautiful. To relinquish the right to retaliation, to not wish ill on those who have hurt us, to desire their good—these are absolutely things asked of us if we also want to receive forgiveness. To trust the power of the sacrament when we receive absolution—this is real and important. However, so many of us stop there, and our subjective experiences—our feelings—go unattended.
The Path to Freedom Runs Through the Pain
It can be so easy to “spiritually bypass”—to use our spirituality as a way to avoid facing our wounds. It can feel risky to let ourselves acknowledge and work through the unpleasant emotions that come with rupture. Working through sadness, frustration, anger, disappointment, betrayal, and the like, can feel like too much at times. So, we stop short at the act of forgiveness, and miss out on the psychological benefits of working through the emotions.
At times, we may need to wait until we have the environmental or relational safety to emotionally process our sorrows and traumas. However, to be truly, wholly free, we need to unburden the pain. Understandably, we may fear the way our emotions will impact of ourselves, others, and our relationships. Yet it is actually in acknowledging and working through these emotions, in getting to the other side, that we can experience the greatest connection with ourselves, others, and God.
It’s okay for this to be a process; in fact, I think it can be a relief to allow ourselves to expect it to be so. Experiencing the painful emotions of hurt and anger validates that a transgression has occurred.
Our Emotions Aren’t “Bad”
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgoing natural and good human emotional experiences. We’ve been given an emotional communication system by God. It’s just part of what makes us human. Not everything we think or feel is true, but when it is, we can be grateful that these signals help us understand what is happening in relationship, and can always be used in safe and healthy ways for good.
On the other side of expressed emotion is relief. You may notice how good you feel after a good cry or belly-ache laughter. Often, especially for Christians, it can be more challenging to trust that we can also experience this relief after the expression of anger.
It’s true, anger can be used in harmful and destructive ways, but it doesn’t have to be. What if anger can simply help us to become aware of an injustice, of a wrong that needs to be made right? What if guilt can simply help us to become aware of sin, or wrongdoing that we can repent of, and helps us to make amends? What if we don’t have to hold onto these feelings, but use them to help us experience the very connections we’re made for? It’s really possible.
Confession Is Only the Beginning
As Catholics, we can go to confession and receive the amazing gift of forgiveness and reconciliation with Our Lord. We should absolutely walk out of that confessional elated. It doesn’t mean that, in the safest of emotional and relational places, we shouldn’t explore why we engaged in that sinful behavior.
Many wise priests have been able to ask penitents to explore more deeply what is happening when sins are repeatedly confessed—and thank goodness that in that exploration, we can often do the emotional work that helps us to grow increasingly free from the sin! For example, the use of pornography is really about intimacy. With loving care, if someone can look at the sequence of events that leads to pornography consumption, it can reveal a relational need in response to loneliness, distress, or whatever emotion precedes the consumption
Forgiving Doesn’t Mean Ignoring Your Wounds
Many adult children who love their parents, and truly will their good, have chosen to forgive their parents for the ways in which they inevitably messed up. However, many adult children also find themselves holding onto the emotions related to these wounds, afraid that acknowledging them and expressing them could be at the least unhelpful, and at worst, disastrous.
Expressing the emotions related to past hurts in the actual relationship may or may not be necessary, helpful, or wise. Expressing the emotions in safe relationships, such as in mentorship, therapy, or with a trusted friend or family member, can make all the difference.
If the emotions are not felt and expressed and worked out, they will result in anxiety and or depressive symptoms; they will make it challenging for us to separate the past from the present and will keep us from being able to receive and give all the love we can.
To truly engage all parts of ourselves and not spiritually bypass, in an example such as forgiveness, can be incredibly challenging. Those defense mechanisms weren’t developed without good reason. However, in this dying to self, we can become more free.
We don’t have to—and we shouldn’t—do it alone. Our truest safety lies in who God is as our good Father, and who He made us to be: good, and in His image. These realities make it so that we don’t have to be afraid of our emotions, of being human.