When we think of addiction, our minds often go straight to the behavior: the bottle, the pills, the porn, the gambling. We focus on the what. But if we stop there, we miss the deeper truth—the why.

The reality is this: every addiction is a trauma story.

I’ve never encountered anyone with addiction problems who didn’t have some form of trauma. In other words, the addiction has always provided some kind of emotional relief or escape from the distress of a traumatic experience, often rooted in childhood. This truth is essential to keep in mind when working with addictions.

Addiction is not primarily about the substance or the behavior itself. It’s about what that substance or behavior does for the person—how it soothes, numbs, or fills a void. And those voids are rarely random. They come from deep, unmet needs, often formed in relationships that should have been safe but weren’t.

Not Just Chemical or Psychological—But Interpersonal

When people think of addiction, they often think of things that are “obviously” chemically addictive: nicotine, alcohol, opioids. Those are clear-cut examples. You might remember your high school health class: the graph that shows a spike in mood when the substance is introduced, followed by a crash that dips lower than before. Over time, you need more and more of the substance just to feel normal. That’s chemical dependence.

But what about things like gambling? Pornography? Social media? These behaviors aren’t about consuming a chemical, but they’re still addictive. Why? Because there’s a neurochemical reaction—a dopamine hit—that mimics the same reward feedback loop. These are psychologically addictive, but the brain doesn’t necessarily know the difference.

What’s critical to understand is that regardless of the form addiction takes, it always operates on two levels: behavioral and interpersonal. The behavior must be addressed—it’s formed neural pathways that can be rigid and automatic. But even more deeply, we have to ask: What is this behavior about?

It’s about love, comfort, relief. It’s about unmet needs and wounded relationships.

Working with Addictions: The Two-Pronged Approach

This is why, when someone is struggling with addiction, I always recommend a two-pronged approach.

One prong is behavioral: something like a 12-step program, which offers structure, accountability, and practical tools. Step programs—like AA, Al-Anon, NA, SA—are not perfect. I wouldn’t say I agree with everything in them. But they are helpful. At minimum, the community they provide is invaluable. You get a sponsor. You check in. You have someone walking the journey with you. And, ideally, you get introduced to a Higher Power—which for some becomes a doorway into a deeper spiritual life.

The second prong is interpersonal. That’s where the kind of mentorship or therapy we do comes in. We help people go deeper. We look at the content of the addiction—not just the behavior, but what it reflects. Is there wish fulfillment going on? A longing for connection? A fear of rejection? That’s where healing begins.

If someone has a pornography addiction, for example, we want to explore where that comes from. But also, behaviorally, if you look at porn on your phone at night, guess what? You leave your phone outside the room at night. Simple, right? But not easy. That’s the behavioral piece. You need both.

Tunnel Vision, Lies, and the Limits of Freedom

People in the throes of addiction develop tunnel vision. The addiction becomes the only thing that seems to work. Everything else becomes secondary—relationships, morality, even basic safety.

In this state, lying becomes a defense mechanism. Addicts hide their behavior. They withhold. They may lie outright about how much they’re drinking, how often they’re using porn, how much money they’ve lost. And if you’re trying to help someone with an addiction, you can’t take that personally. Their freedom is limited, but not absent.

What we have to do is help them build the fence farther back from the cliff. If you build the fence right on the edge, it’s too late. They’ll crash through. But if you build it earlier—like choosing not to take your phone into the bathroom, or avoiding the street the bar is on—you protect their limited freedom.

The Addictive Cycle

It’s also helpful to think of addiction as a cycle. Imagine a circle. Pick a point on that circle—that’s the relapse. The person drinks, watches porn, smokes, gambles. What happens next?

Shame.

Deep shame sets in. And that shame leads to more distress, which builds over time. Eventually, the person relapses again to relieve the distress. And the cycle continues.

Where can we intervene?

1. Before the relapse, by helping them cope in healthier ways as the distress builds.
   
2. After the relapse, by reframing the event—not with shame, but with compassion and curiosity. What can we learn from this relapse? What triggered it? How can we anticipate that next time?

Relapse isn’t failure. It’s data.

Sexual Addiction: The Shame Is Already There

Of all the addictions I’ve worked with over the years, sexual addiction is the most common—and one of the hardest to treat. Most of our clients don’t talk to anyone else about this. They wouldn’t go to an SA meeting. So where do they go? Here. Into mentorship.

Sexual addiction is particularly hard because the trigger lives inside the person. Unlike alcohol or drugs, which you can avoid physically, a person carries their sexual impulses, fantasies, and anatomy with them. Everywhere. All the time.

And the shame is often already present during the behavior. If someone slows down and pays close attention—mindfulness can help—they’ll often notice that even while acting out, there’s a part of them already holding the guilt. They just don’t want to listen.

But over time, as they gain more freedom, that voice gets louder. And if they can contrast that shame-laced acting out with a calm, loving sexual experience—say, in the context of marriage—they begin to discern the difference. That’s a powerful shift.

It’s a Sin of Weakness, Not Malice

Sexual sins are sins of weakness, not sins of malice. It’s not hatred that drives addiction—it’s loneliness. It’s not pride—it’s fear. Sexual issues are intimacy issues, and they are deeply woven into our psychology.

The key is compassion without minimizing. Yes, sin is real. Yes, behavior matters. But behind the behavior is a wound. Behind the sin is a story. And that story always involves a need for love that was somehow never met.

Final Thoughts: They Have to Be Ready

In the 12-step world, there’s a phrase: You can’t make anyone stop drinking. They have to hit rock bottom.

What that means is, until someone comes to a place where they choose healing for themselves, no program, mentor, or therapist can do the work for them. They have to hand over control. They have to admit: “My life is unmanageable without help.”

People hit rock bottom in different ways. But until they do, change is unlikely.

The good news is, when someone is ready—really ready—healing is possible. It won’t be easy. It will likely be slow. But with the right support, with compassion, with structure, with accountability, with love…

…every addiction can become a redemption story.

Because every addiction is a trauma story. But trauma doesn’t have to be the last word.